The Maui Examiner

Top Ten List…

Signs You're Broke After Christmas

1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without it."
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.

SIOUX NARROWS, Ontario–A woman accidentally ran over and killed her boyfriend Dec. 22 on the shoulder of a highway.
According to Ontario Provincial Police, Don Beacham, 39, and his girlfriend were driving from Whitefish Bay to Kenora on Ontario's Highway 71.
The couple stopped for a break at the side of the highway at about 3 a.m., and Beacham got out of the car.
Police say the woman lost sight of her boyfriend, so she did several U-turns on the highway in an attempt to find him with the car's headlights.
Beacham was run over and died as a result of his injuries.
Police have not laid any charges in connection with the death. The investigation is still ongoing.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y.– An 85-year-old Illinois man had fallen and spent the night outdoors before help came in the form of a random caller.
Crystal Rozell, a telemarketer for Consumer Direct Marketing in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. called the elderly man the morning of Dec. 22 morning. He was cold and desperate outside his rural home, as he could not make outgoing calls on his phone.
Rozell kept the man on the phone until police could be called. The man was taken to the hospital.
A vice president of Consumer Direct Marketing told the press that Rozell usually talks to about 700 to 1,000 people a day. "But she had the compassion to listen, and that is really something," the vice president said.

MEDINA, Ohio– A 45-year old Cleveland man has been convicted of theft for stealing a roast and attemping to make his getaway in a stolen golf cart.
Samuel Dottore, pleaded guilty to theft Dec. 27 in Medina County Common Pleas Court. He told the judge he intended to drive the cart about 40 miles from the town of Medina where he stole the roast to his home in Cleveland.
Dottore even stopped for gas. But police searching for him as a suspect in the swiped meat heist nabbed him and the frozen roast.
About two months ago, Dottore met a couple in a bar the same day he was released from jail after serving a sentence for petty theft. The couple told police they invited Dottore to their home and were later driving him to a motel when he pulled out the frozen meat. They said they dropped him along a roadside and returned home.
Police said Dottore then stole a golf cart from King George Service Co. and tried to ride out of town on it.
He was released on bond until his sentencing, which is set for Feb. 13.

Top Level Outsourcing

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Congress has announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of December 31st.
The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's $400,000.00 yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash.).
Reynolds,with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively."We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of January 1st. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the U.S. and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the U.S. Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President some day."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the out placement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Air National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq,a country he has visited.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

C'mon. You didn't think this was for real, did you?

LONDON, England– After swearing at the cabin crew on a Monarch Airlines flight from England to Spain, a drunken passenger was dropped at a tiny island off the African coast.
According to the Daily Mail newspaper, the plane's pilot decided to leave the man at Porto Santo, a volcanic outcrop in the Atlantic, after he became abusive when he was refused more alcohol.
The Airbus plane, heading from northern England to the Spanish island of Tenerife, diverted to the small Portuguese island, which is just 10 miles long and four miles wide. It is approximately a two-hour ferry ride away to the larger Portuguese island of Madeira.
The man was met at the airport by local police. He is due to appear in court in mainland Portugal in January.

Get him outta here! A Monarch Airlines pilot ditched a drunken passenger on a remote island.

Mayor Busted For Throwing Snowball

TOPEKA, Kan. – Not only did Mayor Bill Bunten miss a tree while throwing a snowball at it, he also violated a city ordinance.
Kristen Aberle, of Thawville, Ill., wrote to Bunten after the little-known Topeka ordinance was pointed out as a "Dumb Law" in her government class.
"I thought somebody was pulling my leg," the mayor said. "But I checked, and she's actually right."
Bunten admitted his fastball missed the tree by about 30 feet, but he said that didn't make his crime any less serious.
"After I write to you, I am going to the police station and report myself and throw myself on the mercy of the court," Bunten said in a letter dated Dec. 27. "After that, I'm going to have an ordinance drawn up to repeal this Dumb Law lest our already-crowded prisons are filled up with children who, while making a snowman, got carried away and had a snowball fight."
Violators could be fined up to $499 and jailed for 179 days for breaking the rule, which also prohibits stones and "other missiles."
Bunten said he asked the city's attorney "to draw up an ordinance to delete that part of it about snowballs."

NORFOLK, Va. – A 19-year-old Virginia animal rights activist has legally changed his name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com.
The youth outreach coordinator for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals said he changed his name from Chris Garnett to support the group's anti-KFC campaign.
Garnett said his new name "never fails to spark a discussion."
On his Web site, he said that his parents have been supportive since he became a vegan at age 15, but they were shocked when he changed his name. He said they have accepted the change, but insist on still calling him Chris.
PETA's complaints against KFC stem from video footage shot last year recording alleged mistreatment of birds at a Pilgrim's Pride plant in Moorefield, W.Va. The plant is a KFC supplier.
Yum! Brands, the parent company of KFC, has disputed the claims of mistreatment. In June, a grand jury refused to indict former workers at the West Virginia chicken plant.

You too can be a Dot Com. Animal rights activist Chris Garnett actually changed his name to Kentucky Fried Cruelty .Com.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand- A New Zealand Team competing in the Atlantic Rowing Race was shaken literally and figuratively after 12-foot shark attacked their boat.
The shark rammed the boat for 15 minutes, forcing rower Tara Remington and teammate Iain Rudkin into the well of the 24-foot Woodvale Pairs class ocean rowing boat.
"It just kept hitting the boat, having a go at the rudder, the sea anchor and hull. We weren't sure it wasn't biting holes in the underside so we rang the support ship Aurora for advice and possible assistance," Remington said on their Team Sun Latte website.
Remington and Rudkin are one of 26 teams competing in the 2,550-nautical mile trans-Atlantic race from the Canary Islands to Antigua.
They were about 600 miles from the Canary Islands when the attack occurred.
The support ship arrived six hours later. After the racing vessel was declared intact, Remington and Rudkin continued the race.